Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Reduced Fat Gab

Hello Gabbers! Didja miss me?

I know, I've been super awful at Gabbing. My bad. Forgive and forget? Pretty please?! The thing is--the thing they defo don't tell you when you decide to become an English major--that in order to be a writer, a really good writer, you have to be inspired. Because without that simple're sort of screwed. If you're not excited about what you're doing, what you're Gabbing or anything, then it's just not going to turn out well. Luckily for you (and for me) I felt some serious inspiration this morning. And, to it, I have decided to give my blog a little facelift. You likie my new look? Yes? No? Okay, enough Gabbing about the silly stuff...let's get to the Fat.

Last Friday, I had the utter displeasure of having all four of my wisdom teeth removed. It. Was. #Fuckawful. I know everyone says, "Oh, yeah, it doesn't really hurt that much after the first day." LIES! It hurts like a bastard. Thank Edward Cullen for vicodin. And banana smoothies--Beau B made me some fabulous banana smoothies and they were beyond delish. Not being able to really chew or eat got me thinking about food. A lot. It's surprising how much you think about food when you can't actually consume it. But isn't that true about everything? There's this trick that fancy shmancy social media researchers use and it goes a little something like this: "Don't think about a white bear." I don't know about you, but when someone tells me not to think about a white bear, all I think about is this:

My thoughts exactly...

So, there I was...sipping my banana smoothie ever so slowly, whilst watching countless reruns of "The Real Housewives of New York City." Wisdom teeth removal or not, I'd probably be doing this on any other day. But, given the circumstances, I found it rather interesting that on this day I was watching an eppy of RHONYC where my soulmate (soulmate=Bethenny Frankel) was doing a speaking engagement at the Learning Center about her book, "Naturally Thin." I've said it once, and I'll say it again, I have a little (and by little, I mean GIGUNTA) Gab crush on Bethenny Frankel. Girlfriend really has it going on...with her new man (Oh, I so hope they live "Hoppily" ever after) and her new baby ("Bringing Up Bryn"--for serious, Bravo should hire me. Like NOW!) and her new reality show ("Bethenny Getting Married?" partay tomorrow night at mi casa) and her new sweet ass downtown apartment. Also, Ms. Frankel tells it LIKE IT IS. And I dig it. So, like any nut case, I have decided to cook my way through her cook books, "Naturally Thin" and "The Skinnygirl Dish." Think of me as Julie Powell and Bethenny as Julia Child. How cute?! Since the wisdom teeth extraction, however, cooking the food has been put on hiatus.

For those of you who don't know (and I'm guessing that's most of you), Bethenny was raised in an extremely unhealthy environment; her parents were "animals," as she so lovingly states, and she also struggled with food and eating so much so that she wound up in an obesity clinic at the age of 9. Yes, that's right. SKINNYGIRL used to be FATTYGIRL. Since those days, a lot has changed. After studying food and becoming a chef (not a cook!), Bethenny now lives her life by following mantra: "Taste Everything, Eat Nothing." It makes total sense if you think about it. You can still eat anything you want, just in moderation. Have a small, portion control-sized of baked ziti and one piece of Godiva chocolate. I get what she's Gabbing. I think we all do. Let it be known that Bethenny is not Gabbing, "Don't Eat." As she thoughtfully Gabs to her followers, "You can have it all, just not all at once."

Could have definitely had one of these instead of the banana smoothie.

Bethenny is one smart cookie, but she's definitely not the first person dish out this kind of advice. Part of what I adore about Bethenny is that this Skinnygirl Gabs it like it is. You can't expect to eat an entire chicken fried steak and a loaf of garlic bread and an entire pan of Betty Crocker brownies and be a Skinnygirl. Yeah I know the familiar whine, "But it tastes sooooooo good." Jesus Christ...Duh! No shit all that food tastes "soooooo good." But, let me ask you something, does it taste as good as being skinny? I don't think so.

Now, I'm not a dietician or a nutritionist or a chef or even a cook. I'm just a 22-year-old girl who is trying to 'make it' and trying to have some kind of chance of having a long and happy and healthy life. As if it's not enough that I (oh...and EVERYONE ELSE) am having an insanely hard time finding a job, but now I'm also supposed to be thin and fit and all this is supposed to be natural? It's hard. Television shows, movies, magazines, blogs, songs, stupid fucking award shows have us programmed to oogle and foam at the mouth at how physically fit a person/celebrity/debutante/celebutante is looking these days. Obviously Jennifer Anniston is not eating the Krispy Kremes and obviously Kristie Alley is...or was. I can't keep up with who's losing/gaining weight these days. But the message is clear: thin is always in.

Which leads me to this:
Oh. No. They. Didn't.

This is some TERRIBLE joke. Urban Outfitters has since removed this wildly fucked up material from its website. But, I still want to Gab about the awfulness that is this advertisement.

#1. This model is anorexic. Eat a sandwich. Eat 10 sandwiches. Oh, and smile.
#2. To whom is this article of clothing marketed? Skinnygirls or Fattygirls? I'm going to go out on a limb and Gab the former.
#3. Who the shit working in T-shirt Design at Urban Outfitters okay-ed this?

This shirt stirred up some serious controversy. Now, I can completely see how this shirt embodies the very essence of Bethenny's weight loss platform. I mean it says, "Eat Less," which is pretty spot on with Bethenny's whole "Taste Everything, Eat Nothing," dealio. But does it really convey that message? This shirt does not mean what it says. It does not Gab, "Eat Less." It Gabs, "Don't Eat." Let's be real. No girl (or human being) who is overweight is going to wear this piece of clothing and be taken seriously. It's like a baby wearing a diamond ring. Why would a baby be wearing a diamond ring if for no other reason than to make people laugh at the absurdity of the situation?

Only skinny, anorexic, non-smiley, models should be wearing this shirt. And those who are Day 1 Post Wisdom Teeth Extraction.

Let's focus on #3 on my list of complaints: "Who the shit working in T-shirt Design at Urban Outfitters okay-ed this?" Let me repeat that for a third time: WHO. THE. SHIT. WORKING. IN. T-SHIRT. DESIGN. AT. URBAN. OUTFITTERS. OKAY-ED. THIS?!?!?!?!? I'll tell you who: some skinny, emo, non-smiley, chain smoking, cocaine-addicted a-hole thought this was a really, you know, "trendy," concept. To the person or persons who designed this, allow me to Gab my true opinion about your creativity: you are a nitwit.

The difference between this t-shirt's message and Bethenny's is that Bethenny's is geared towards promoting a healthy lifestyle and garnering a healthier relationship between man (skinnygirl) and food. This t-shirt is not promoting anything except an eating disorder. It's not what you say (or Gab), but how you say (Gab) it. That is true wisdom right there.

Live it. Love it. Know it. Own it. EAT IT!
Gabbily Gifted